Mapping

Ok, another music plug. I've been in a contemplative mood for the entirety of June and thus follows a lot of brooding music. Great Lake Swimmers are quickly flooding my consciousness. "Your Rocky Spine" is an achingly poetic mapping of a woman's body--the lyrics are sensual, delicate, elusive. The melody is haunting and comfortable in a Ryan Adams/Neil Young welcome to my America kind of way. It's just one of those near perfect sad songs that has gotten into me. I had a brutally frank conversation with one of my closest, brutally frank friends last night. Some things he said inspired me to start mapping my interior landscape--the wide and gentle spots worn smooth as well as the crags and great precipices (oh, those great precipices). This process of unfolding and unwrapping myself was unbelievably empowering. I took my pen and journal and began writing everything I knew to be true about me. While marking those familiar spaces within I also began discovering those truths my heart knew all along but my thinking self had somehow passed over--it was an exercise in "rememory" as Toni Morrison says in her book Beloved. So, the second half of this post is a presentation of what I found.



I am Krisanne. I am warm and honest. Gracious and grateful. I seek integrity in myself and others. I am self-aware and self-destructive. I am an observer and an introvert. I can be charming or reserved depending on my environment. I can be difficult to pin down as my grit is nestled beneath layers and layers of "niceness" (Thanks for that one, Keith and KaRyn). I forgive quickly and have trouble drawing boundaries for myself. I am sensitive and adaptable. I prefer to be alone. I seek the approval of others. I find the strongest connection with the divine when I'm in nature. At my best, I can be playful, mischievous, and light hearted. At my worst selfish, moody and self-medicating. My greatest fear is being unloved or not being enough. I seek the underdog and remain calm in stressful situations. I am analytical, introspective, and vulnerable. I am a survivor and a dreamer. I can be lazy or extremely self-disciplined depending on my state of mind. I express myself best through writing and find great joy in the details. I seek certainty and outcomes but really enjoy spontaneous people. I entertain a harsh inner critic. I experience a lot of fear that I try to temper with my relationship to God. I am brave.