One of the photos I would always look at when perusing CHB's Facebook page. This is CHB and his mom in Korea shortly before we met that fateful Sunday.
After getting over my initial embarrassment and disappointment in finding out that CHB had a girlfriend (a surfing Californian beauty queen that we'll call 'Mildred'), I thought that perhaps this bit of information could help me finally get over him. He had Mildred. I had an on-again-off-again Gus. We were both taken. Considering the circumstances, I couldn't conceive of any better opportunity to just move on for crying out loud. But the logic of my heart and the logic of my brain so rarely see eye to eye. Heart logic eventually won out, and I found myself thinking about CHB again which included the *ahem* "occasional" perusal of his Facebook page (don't pretend like you don't do it, too).
It was just a couple of months later, during one of my "occasional" perusals, that I noticed CHB and Mildred weren't Facebook friends anymore. Oh sweet-sweet-stomach-flip-victory. Welcome. Come in. Make yourself at home. I wish I could say that I felt sad for CHB. Ending a relationship stings regardless of how the demise comes about. But even now, when I look inward and excavate the deepest corners of my soul, I can't find any empathy related to that moment of discovery. Not a speck. All that resides there is utter elation.
A few days later I struck up a conversation with CHB on gchat. I had no intention of making an overtly romantic move, but I wanted to reconnect with him. I wanted to be in his virtual space again. We talked about the fact that I had one more month left in Korea and that his parents would be coming home from their mission shortly thereafter. We made tentative plans for me to come out to Utah for their homecoming. At that moment, everything felt possible. Almost immediately, however, my misty veil of infatuation was punctuated by stings of guilt; Gus and I were still together. As wobbly as our relationship was, he was my boyfriend. I tried to convinced myself that CHB and I could just be friends while I continued to sort things out with Gus, but the most honest part of me knew that I didn't want friendship with CHB. I wanted to fall in love.
I was at a crossroads. I couldn't balance my ever increasing feelings for CHB and feel ok about being in a relationship with Gus. It wasn't fair to anyone involved. So, shortly after I returned home from Korea, I broke up with Gus. It was a difficult stretch of time following our break up, but I knew that it was the right decision. It opened up some emotional space for me and gifted me with more courage and confidence. It was a necessary severing as it made room for possibility.
With this new found possibility tucked into my back pocket, I walked onto an airplane headed to Utah. Now. Now, I could really go see about a boy.